t o r m e n t e d

its only mid-week.. started off well, super well .
but now its only mid-week, and its been so damn sucky.

t o r m e n t e d .
I read this somewhere, how seemingly similar..........

How do it feel to have ur own close one, ur own family member, to be so untrusting towards you? To remember, and focus on, all ur not-so-good points, which are all of the past, and keep bringing them up. Yet when you try to explain yourself, you get shot down. Its all so unfair....

I've been working and trying so damn hard to prove myself these few weeks, and changing so many things, putting so many things at stake, at risk, sacrificing other things, sacrificing my own freedom, my own flexibility of time, all because i wanted to prove to you that i respected you so much so much still.. the next person closest to me has to endure the stress of inflexibility, AND especially the stress of having to "adhere" to my timings so that i dont get into trouble when i get home... Yes. It's all bearable actually. I super appreciate that she didnt leave me just because of this (while perhaps others might have done so), and I love her so so much.. In fact, all these years, there were moments that i wanted to speak up so much, or more drastically, to rebel, to talk back, to do all the things contrary to what you like me to do. But I didnt. I didnt at all.. Yes, once or twice, i talked back, I tried to explain to you that i wanted some degree of freedom as well, I tried to show to you that I can be trusted. But you refused to allow me to show it. Yeah, there were times that I was partly in the wrong, but i didnt like to take full responsibility because it wasnt all totally my fault! But in the end, yeah, it was like it was all my fault. I sucked it up....

I first tried to explain to you why i didnt inform and update you first. You didnt want to listen. You just kept cutting me off and going back to why i didnt update you. When I was trying so damn hard to tell u something. Yes, i really wanted to prove to you that things are different. I'm not as bad as you always think. I'm not that brainless or stupid or whatever. I thought you'd realised it by now. But i guess I was wrong. Totally.

Then, I tried to explain to you the reasons for what i wanted to do. It is a damn blardy valid reason for goodness sake. But since it was more complex than just simply "oh i just wanted to change it", I tried to explain from the beginning. You refused to listen. Not just by ignoring me, but you told me straight to my face that you didnt want to listen. Who in the world says such a thing nowadays??!!! Only people like strangers and damn unreasonable bosses tell that to their subordinates. Even the SAF nowadays hardly have such things happening. Why? because its freaking unreasonable and unfair to the person in question, in this case, it's me. I tried to say it out, you refused to listen. You kept cutting me off and interrupting me and scolding me. You kept telling me not to involve any other thing when I tried to explain to you another aspect of things. Yet U are the one who keeps referring to that thing when you are blasting at me. So ok, i tried another method... I tried to write it out, thinking that it will be better for you to read it when you've cooled down. Yeah, your reply? You first said that you wont read it. If i show it to you, you will cancel all the loans and everything else. That is also damn freaking unreasonable. Yes, later you said that i can write it out, then after going thru it, then at night i can talk about it. Yeah. I'm sure you meant it with your heart when you said that. I replied to you: "i didnt have to write and digest it. Because i have already run through what i wanted to say, countless times. So now i didnt have to rethink or digest at all.. " Yeah, I meant it. Totally..

3years ago in August 05, after i lost my first camera handphone, i bought another one to replace it, the motorola one. I got scolded by you upside down inside out.. I got ripped apart, just becos of the reason which you gave me, with regards to the month i bought it. I didnt know it then, so yeah, it was my mistake, and i remembered it ever since. Now, that month is approaching again, and also just happens to coincide with the need to change something, so i remembered what you told me so deeply 3years ago, and I made the effort to avoid doing things during that month. I got scolded again, because it seemed like i dont know how to think, to save money etc etc etc... and now u keep "quoting me" for saying that, and applying it to things that have utterly zero links with it. what a joke..... don't you remember that U were the one who told me in the first place on that day 3years ago in July/August 2005?!?

Time and again, you keep using threats against me. You keep using such things to pressurise me. Yeah. I sucked it all up. I swallowed it all down. Because I know ultimately you meant well. I really did. But it was the last straw already. Never have i expected that i would be so unjustly judged and treated by anyone that close to me. Never. I'm totally saddened, shocked, stunned, whatever words that can be used to describe in this meaning. It all applies.. This holidays, i had my happiest times, but yesterday was my saddest day, the worst day. I have never reached the stage i was so frustrated i had to yell n scream it all out in the way that i did. But yeah, obviously, yesterday, I did. I couldnt take it any longer. I really cant. I'm already how old already.. Can i not think for myself? Can i not have some degree of freedom n flexibility for myself in terms of time & making decisions especially?

Its not that i want to pull away and suddenly gain full "independence" or throw you away or leave the family that kinda stupid thing. But it seems like that is the kind of thought and fear that gnaws at you. I dont know, really. I'm only guessing. And that is the only logical thing I can think of why you are treating me this way, other than wanting good for myself. For that, I thank you. Please. I'm already at this age, I still have to face curfews like returning home by 10pm, or by the time i roughly estimated for you, which is also before 10pm for crying out loud. I still have to face the situation that if i return home any later than the said time, I get torn apart & yelled at & called a liar and non-trustworthy. Isnt that the treatment that primary and secondary school kids should be having? It is not that i dont know that you mean well, for my safety at night and for me to have enough sleep.. I really do know it. And I do understand, and I myself, not being a night animal either, also dont stay out til such weird times n do weird things. But now its really gone too far.. I dont feel like a free person. I feel like a prisoner. Or someone on probation might be more appropriate..... Yes, a person on probation has a curfew as well. But at least the person only has to report to the councillor at the stipulated times, and still has the freedom of doing his own things on his own accord, with his own flexibility, according to his own wants. I don't.

I'm not asking you to heck care me totally and leave me to be a hooligan on the loose.

All i wish for now is to have my own flexiblity, some degree of freedom, and for you to cool it more, slow down a little and listen & understand things..

I love you.